America In Mourning Tragic Resignation Of Towering Moral Standard Weiner Leaves Us Wondering If We Will Be Able To Find A Comparable Candidate To Replace Him
he abrupt resignation of Congressional leader Tony Weiner has left the nation
in sadness at the loss of such a potent leader. With so many good, decent,
freedom loving individuals to choose from, many political strategists are deeply
concerned they won't be able to find a candidate who is sleazy enough to replace
the Democratic politician. Indeed, with so many sex offenders already
incarcerated, which unfortunately precludes their legal candidacy, Democratic
leaders are scurrying about the nation in hopes of finding someone perverse
enough to fill Weiner's shoes.
Indeed, unconfirmed reports say potential candidates are sending in photos of
themselves via cell phones at a sharply escalating rate, but unfortunately, it
looks as though none are quite disgusting enough to be considered seriously.
Rumors abound on the beltway that a search committee has been formed by former
President Bill Clinton, who has already appointed several nice young interns to
assist his efforts. There was a glimmer of hope when we heard that a couple of
defrocked state governors expressed an interest. New Jersey's James McGreevey
(who was caught having sex with a man assigned to him from Homeland Security),
and Oregon's ex governor Neil Goldschmidt (who had sex with his 14 year baby
sitter), both expressed an interest in Weiner's seat, as they've been unemployed
since their sex scandals. Unfortunately, it turns out there are these
unfortunate residency requirements as the candidate needs to reside in the right
fact, the most promising candidates come from some remote foreign land called
Gommorha but, as non-citizens and non-residents of Weiner's district, are
ineligible. Undaunted by such obstacles, we've heard a White House task force is
looking into ways a non-citizen/resident could be quietly moved into the
Democratic candidacy through some sort of forged documents. However, the
prognosis is poor.
There is a distinct possibility we might be forced
to suffer through a full term of a boring, God-fearing, American citizen, who
espouses those old fashioned values of God and country. No wonder the nation is
For a glimpse into just how far
America is prophesied to descend at the end of the age, see the video on the
BLOOD BEAST OF BABYLON.